Unshame

Important information for all of our non-German Bookdragons: this book is currently only available in German. I’ve done my best to convey what it is about, but I obviously can’t recreate the original reading experience.

And who knows? If enough of you start demanding an English version, maybe the internet can show us once again just how well peer pressure works.

Hello again, my lovely Bookdragons. I’m very happy to see you here. And I just have to say that I really hope this review will find its way to a lot of men as well. Not because body shaming or unrealistic beauty standards are something that only affects women – obviously, they don’t. Men are under pressure to conform to a certain body image, too. Still, I do believe that women, People of Color and other people who do not fit into the image of a white cis male have to deal with these issues more frequently. For many of them, this is not a new debate but rather their daily reality. This is why I really hope that people who are new to these topics will come across this review. Because I truly believe that this book can help you rethink some of your own assumptions and better understand other people’s experiences.

Personally, I have been looking forward to this book. Those of you Bookdragons who have already read some of my reviews know that I am a proud feminist. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that this book immediately appealed to me. Fun fact: I even wrote my bachelor thesis on how women are portrayed in the media and how those portrayals shape society’s view of women and how women perceive themselves. So I went into this read with some background knowledge. I was curious whether I would recognize some of the studies and concepts. But most of all, I was excited to see what new perspectives Louisa Dellert might bring to the conversation. And what can I say? I was not disappointed.

The book’s foreword immediately drew me in. Louisa Dellert writes in an incredibly accessible way. You don’t need any prior knowledge to understand what she’s getting at. At the same time, she also manages to establish a very personal connection that allows you not only to understand her thoughts but also to empathize with her feelings.

In fact, while reading the foreword, I constantly found myself thinking: That could have been me. Little Lou, who is ashamed of her body and her eating habits, could just as easily have been little Lisa. And to be honest, I don’t think I’m alone in this. If we take an honest look back at our childhoods, many of us will realize that little Lou, little Lisa, and probably your younger selves, too, have a shocking amount in common.

In the first chapter, Louisa Dellert already introduces a study by Anne E. Becker. She investigated the beauty ideals of young girls on the Fiji Islands before and after the introduction of Western television programs. The results were shocking. While most of the girls were happy with their bodies before, after the introduction of Western media, 74 percent reported that they sometimes or often felt like they were too fat. At the same time, problematic eating behavior also increased significantly.

Honestly, I wasn’t surprised by those results. While writing my thesis, I came across similar studies. The sad thing to me is something entirely different: we don’t talk about these studies enough! Because studies like this show exactly how beauty standards don’t just occur naturally, but are shaped by our society – and that they have a very real and enormous impact on our lives. But making a huge fuss about this would probably be very bad for the capitalist patriarchy we live in. But we’ll circle back to this later.

Following this study, Louisa Dellert goes into how beauty ideals have shaped and changed throughout the centuries. And this just shows that there is no such thing as the perfect look. At the same time, it also highlights that women have always suffered under the beauty standards of their time. One thing that really stuck with me was that women in the Middle Ages used to pull out and pluck their hair and eyelashes to appear desirable. I was truly shocked that this kind of self-mutilation was considered normal and acceptable.

But even in our modern age, attractive people profit from the so-called Pretty Privilege and the HALO Effect. This means that we attribute certain characteristics to people based on their appearance and automatically perceive attractive people as more intelligent, likable, or competent. Truly interesting how our minds work. At the same time we should actively start to question these mechanism und start critically reflecting our own train of thoughts. I’m totally on Louisa Dellert’s side on that one.

Another paragraph that really resonated with me was how much we are influenced by celebrities and TV shows like Germany’s Next Topmodel (or Project Runway for our non-German Bookdragons). This is something that has been on my mind for a while, especially with social media and beauty filters playing an ever-growing part in our lives. So I was really happy that Louisa Dellert put this into the spotlight. She makes it clear that most of the time, we only see carefully staged and often retouched snapshots. At the same time, this constant exposure to the supposedly perfect appearances of others has been shown to contribute to a distorted self-image and can also have a significant negative impact on our mental health.

But this is exactly the goal. And here we come back to the capitalistic patriarchy. Women who are unhappy with their bodies will spend money. After all, they want to optimize them so they can fit in and finally profit from Pretty Privilege, too. Louisa Dellert has made this observation as well. I almost fell out of my chair when she revealed how much money the diet industry makes in Europe every year. 93 billion euros. That’s 7.75 billion euros per month. BILLIONS. And we are “just” talking about the diet industry. Obviously, there are plenty of other industries that profit from women’s insecurities and make billions doing so. And before people start yelling at me: Yes, I am aware that men also buy and consume diet products. It’s just that statistics show that women make up the majority of consumers.

And the topic of nutrition doesn’t stop there. Be honest, Bookdragons: Have you ever found yourself thinking, “I’ve worked out today, so I’ve earned that ice cream”? Or ordered the salad instead of the spaghetti or the steak and fries on a first date? To make a good impression, of course. We label some foods as “good” and others as “bad,” and we assume that people who eat “well” have more discipline and control over their lives. Without knowing these people even remotely, we form an impression of them based on their eating habits. Maybe you’ve even openly criticized someone else’s eating habits yourself—or at least judged them in your head.

And I admit that at this point, I felt a bit closer to Louisa Dellert. Because she is not the only one who has had experiences like these when it comes to food. I’ll take a page out of her book and share one of my own experiences with you. I, too, had to put up with regular comments about my eating habits when I was a kid. Even and especially from my family. Phrases like “Of course Lisa is having another piece of cake,” “Well, someone is hungry,” or “Look, she’s the first one to go to the buffet” were almost second nature. And they hurt me deeply. I started asking myself if people really saw me the way those comments suggested: as too fat, undisciplined, and not lovable enough.

And even though I eventually told my family, through tears, how much those comments hurt me, I still carry them with me. For example, I struggle with eating in front of people I’m not close to because I’m afraid they might think I’m “too gluttonous.” Or sometimes I would really love to order dessert. But I always ask the other people at the table if they want one, too. If everyone says no, I’m often not brave enough to order one just for myself. Rationally, I know there is nothing wrong with doing so. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I can still hear people saying, “See? She just can’t stop eating.”

I’d like to clarify that I have never had an eating disorder. Still, those comments left their mark—and they influence my behavior to this day. I am actively working through these insecurities, and luckily, they have already gotten much better. But I genuinely want to ask you to refrain from making those kinds of comments. They don’t help anyone and can leave a lasting mark—especially when you hear them repeatedly as a child. Maybe you mean well and are actually worried about someone. But then take the time to calmly tell them exactly that instead. You never know what someone is going through or what their story is. So just be kind to one another.

So, if you compare Louisa Dellert’s experiences with mine and probably a lot of yours, too, it’s not really surprising that the diet industry makes so much money from women. But something that did shock me was the topic of weight-loss injections. Especially the fact that these medications are just one click away and that, if you lie a little on the questionnaire, you can simply have them delivered to your door. Without even talking to a doctor first. That is more than just alarming. At this point, it should become clear that all these issues are not coincidences, but part of a larger pattern. A study by Dove, which Louisa Dellert also presents, shows where this obsession with weight loss can lead. In that study, one in five women said that she would sacrifice five years of her life to look more beautiful.

This should make it abundantly clear just how much pressure many women are under. If one in five women would be willing to sacrifice five years of her life for a supposedly more attractive appearance, then we’re no longer talking about vanity. We’re talking about a societal problem.

But something that makes me very sad is how often we women see each other as competition and compare ourselves to one another. Especially since societal structures already make things hard enough for us, we should support each other instead of pulling each other down. Something that really highlighted this for me was a story Louisa Dellert shared about one of her good friends. She really wanted to start going to Pilates classes but didn’t dare to because online, she only saw pictures and videos of perfectly toned women in color-coordinated outfits doing Pilates. And she felt like she wouldn’t fit in.

And once again, I found myself in the pages of this book. I, too, have been in that friend’s shoes and wanted to start Pilates. At first, I only worked out at home with online videos because I thought I had to be “good enough” before I could go to an actual class. But once I was brave enough to actually sign up, I was surprised. There were women of every age and body type. Yes, there were also the perfectly toned women, but they weren’t the only ones. And even throughout the class, I could hear women groaning because the workout was hard. Some even had to take breaks.

What I’m trying to say is: Just because social media paints a certain picture doesn’t mean that’s what real life looks like. Nowadays, I really love going to my Pilates class, and my teachers and my group have never once made me feel like I don’t fit in. So be brave and try something new! Or just ask your local studio what the classes usually look like. I’m sure many of you will be pleasantly surprised.

Obviously, the topic of body image doesn’t stop there. We’re far too hard on our own bodies and constantly compare ourselves to ideals that are often unattainable. At the same time, women’s bodies are constantly being commented on by others. The key term here is “body shaming.” This is a major issue, especially on social media. Women constantly find degrading comments under their posts – no matter what the original post was about. Even if a woman is incredibly talented, the focus always shifts back to her appearance instead of her talent.

Louisa Dellert perfectly illustrates this phenomenon by talking about well-known public figures such as Nelly Furtado, Ricarda Lang (a German politician), and Jennifer Aniston. The comments these women receive on a daily basis make me incredibly angry. Time and again, women are denied their competence and reduced to their appearance. As if we were just accessories. But we are human beings with feelings and brains. That’s right. We are more than just our appearance.That these kinds of comments come especially from men is sadly not surprising at all. This is why I really love seeing more and more people on social media speaking up about this, openly criticizing these comments or publicly calling out the people making them. The fact that there’s growing pushback here actually gives me hope.

Another huge topic Louisa Dellert talks about is fatphobia. That doesn’t mean that body shaming doesn’t affect thin people, too! I certainly don’t want to downplay those experiences or deny that they are valid. However, it’s important to understand that fat people don’t just suffer from comments about their appearance. Louisa Dellert sums it up beautifully: “Fat people experience discrimination not only in everyday life, but also, for example, when looking for a job, in the housing market, and in healthcare.” Or in other words: Our society makes it difficult for fat people to participate equally in many areas of life – far beyond just hurtful comments. Many of us have probably caught ourselves judging a person based on what they are buying in a store. Maybe there’s a bar of chocolate or a bag of chips on the checkout and your immediate thought was, “No wonder.” But we don’t know this person’s reality, their health, or their history. Maybe they are buying it for their kids. Maybe they’ve had a really difficult week and just want to treat themselves to something they enjoy. Maybe they are fighting a disease. We simply don’t know.A person’s weight says absolutely nothing about their worth, their character, or how much respect they deserve. Every human being deserves respect – no matter what size their clothes are!

Louisa Dellert also talks about another very important topic: White Privilege. Meaning that people with white skin are given preferential treatment and treated differently in our society. At this point, I would like to echo her sentiments and emphasize that I, too, am writing from a privileged perspective as a white woman. And as I quickly realized, I still have a lot to learn. Of course, I am aware that Black women and Women of Color face significantly more challenges in our society. Still, while reading, I realized that there were many issues I simply wasn’t aware of because they do not affect my own reality. For example, I didn’t know that capitalizing Black is a conscious political positioning and a form of self-identification among Black people and People of Color.

What really shocked me was that skin-lightening creams are a major issue and that the market in India, Africa, and Asia is booming because lighter skin is still seen as more valuable. And I’m going to be honest: I was utterly shocked by how little I knew about many of these problems. This once again showed me how easy it is to overlook important issues simply because they don’t directly affect us. And this is why I think it is so important to listen to other people’s experiences and never stop learning.

There are other problems Louisa Dellert mentions that I was already aware of, though. Especially the fact that Black women often struggle to find a foundation that matches their skin tone in drugstores. Since I myself have a professional background in the drugstore industry, I’ve observed this problem time and again. It happened regularly that Black customers couldn’t find a suitable foundation. How is it possible that major cosmetics brands have hardly any suitable products on their shelves for a significant portion of the population? Or that they tell customers to shop online, where it’s not even possible to test beforehand which shade is the right one?

To many white people, such situations may seem like minor issues. In fact, however, they show just how deeply entrenched inequality can be in everyday structures. That’s why I’m very grateful for the book and podcast recommendations that Louisa Dellert has included about the realities of life for Black women and Women of Color. Because I’d like to use this opportunity to learn more so I can contribute to finding a solution!

And this is also why I want to use this space for two callouts:

1. Please take some time to really think about how much you actually know about the realities of Black people and People of Color, and whether there are areas you could learn more about.
2. If you have any recommendations for books, podcasts, movies, or shows about this topic, please feel free to send them my way or put them in the comments, so we can all benefit from them!

Well, so far the book has covered beauty ideals, the inner pressure women face, and the external judgment of women’s bodies. So what is the natural next step? Exactly. The supposed optimization of your own body. And we are not talking about working out. We are talking about surgical procedures. Everything from “minor procedures” like Botox to boob jobs or butt lifts. At this point, I’d like to stress that everyone should be free to decide what to do with their own body. I am not saying that these procedures are bad per se. I actually think they can help a person who has suffered because of their body to feel more comfortable in it again. Still, I think it is important that Louisa Dellert stresses that the growing media presence of these procedures leads to more people considering getting something done in the first place. And please never forget that every procedure – no matter how minor – comes with risks. And you should never take those too lightly. One thing that really surprised me, though, is that the term “cosmetic surgeon” is not a protected title and does not require board certification. That really left me gaping. Shouldn’t something like that, especially in this field, require some sort of qualification? With that knowledge, I do look at this topic from a different perspective. This is why I want to ask all of you Bookdragons who are considering getting something done to please be careful and do your research. Never mess with your health or even your life.

 

With all these topics covered so far, I thought it was particularly important that Louisa Dellert makes something abundantly clear: none of us can claim that we have never judged our own or another woman’s body. Many of these thought patterns are an expression of internalized misogyny that has developed over centuries within a patriarchal society. And this is what I found so interesting. I truly believe that most people don’t actually mean to degrade or hurt women. Many of these things happen because we grew up in a system where most of these views and beliefs were presented as normal and never questioned. But this is exactly why it is so important to recognize these mechanisms. Because only when we realize that women are still not treated as equals in many areas of our lives can we start to actively change our own thought patterns and actions. In this context, Louisa Dellert also introduces the Male Gaze – a concept that, in my opinion, plays a central role in the debate about sexism and equal rights. It describes the way women are viewed from a male-dominated perspective, in which women are often portrayed to appeal to men’s gaze and desires. The theory originally comes from film studies, but in my opinion, it can be applied to many areas of our daily lives.

And here I would like to stress that I really love how Louisa Dellert not only shares her own experiences but also openly admits that she was part of the problem for many years by promoting false ideals and posting edited content. I honestly thought that was incredibly reflective and very sympathetic. It shows that she actually takes the things she writes seriously and isn’t just preaching to us without applying those lessons to herself. And this is exactly how it should be. At the same time, she stresses that the beauty industry makes money by exploiting women’s insecurities. Beauty standards are constantly changing, and we keep chasing after them just to somehow fit the mold. I think the best example of that is our eyebrows. First, they were supposed to be super thin, and then suddenly bushy eyebrows were the thing. Well, sucks that many women plucked them so much that the only way to reach the new standard was permanent makeup. You see where I’m going with this? Women are supposed to spend money. Remember the beginning of the review and the capitalist patriarchy? Well, here we are again. At the same time the models supposed to be our orientation keep getting younger. This is pushing the beauty standards into a direction that gets further and further out of reach and is simply not attainable for most women. And this is exactly why as a women living in this system you can only loose.

Something I also really liked was how Louisa Dellert openly talks about the sexualization of the female body. As an example, she introduces “Nipple Gate,” aka Janet Jackson’s nipple flash during her Super Bowl Halftime Show. An event that is still talked about to this day. Since I was only six at the time of this “shocking event” (what, women have nipples!?), I actually didn’t know too much about it. Still, I instantly knew what “Nipple Gate” meant. It’s truly crazy how scandalized people are by a natural body part that both women and men have that it is still being talked about years later.

Something I didn’t know due to my age, though, was how Justin Timberlake was involved and what his comment on the incident was. Can’t say that I’m surprised, though. Especially that Janet Jackson had to take the blame and was pushed to publicly apologize. But sadly, women’s bodies are sexualized and portrayed as a problem time and time again. Just think of clothing rules in schools, because otherwise the teacher or male students might get distracted. Honestly, pathetic, since obviously the problem lies with the people who sexualize women’s and girls’ bodies, not with the bodies themselves. We should honestly start seeing our bodies for what they are. Simply a body. Period.

Another thing I really liked was how Louisa Dellert points out that the sexualization of women’s bodies and the shame women are taught to feel about them can already start with the words we use to name certain body parts. In German, for example, we use terms like SCHAMlippen, SCHAMbereich or SCHAMhaare – literally incorporating the word “shame” into the names themselves. When actually all perfectly natural parts of the body so there is absolutely no reason to be ashamed of them.

That’s why I was also happy that she introduces an alternative term that completely removes the idea of shame from the equation. It’s a term I’d actually like to get used to using myself. The chapter about female “shame” was relatively short, but I still found it incredibly memorable.

At the end, Louisa Dellert also goes into ageism. In other words, the discrimination, devaluation, or stereotyping of people based on their age – especially women. As women, we are constantly told to do everything we can to look young for as long as possible. Otherwise, we’re just not relevant. After all, isn’t it all of our biggest aspirations to be considered attractive by men? I hope you can hear my sarcasm. For this topic, let’s talk about the movie industry. When a woman gets older, she barely gets cast anymore, or if she does, she gets to play the mother or grandmother. This does not apply to her male colleagues like Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Jason Statham, who are – despite their age – still cast as action heroes or marketed as heartthrobs. Women with wrinkles, on the other hand, can be the crazy neighbor or simply accessories. It’s very seldom that you hear people talk about how attractive an actress has become as she grew older, whereas it is constantly said that their male colleagues ripen like a fine wine. So men are allowed to get older and are even said to become more attractive and charismatic. Women, on the other hand, are expected not to age one bit. If they do, though, they start to lose their worth and become invisible. And this is exactly the sort of unequal treatment that Louisa Dellert criticizes. Rightfully so. It’s something that we definitely need to talk more about.

And that’s exactly what Louisa Dellert has done so brilliantly in this book. She doesn’t hold back, clearly identifies social problems, backs them up with studies and her own experiences, and draws attention to injustices we should be discussing much more often. At the same time, she remains incredibly relatable. It is precisely because of the candor with which she tells her own story that the book is accessible even to people who have hardly ever engaged with these topics before.

Louisa Dellert manages to not only hold up a mirror to society, but also to us as readers. Time and again, she invites us to honestly question our own thoughts and actions – without pointing fingers at others. For me, Unshame is a book I would truly recommend to everyone. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve already delved deeply into feminism, body shaming, or beauty ideals, are just beginning to explore these topics, or have had little exposure to them so far. For me, the book’s greatest strength lies in its accessibility. It makes complex social issues understandable while simultaneously sparking empathy and self-reflection.

I’m truly convinced that this book can change the way many people see things. And isn’t that exactly what good nonfiction books should achieve? They impart knowledge, encourage reflection, and offer food for thought that extends far beyond the last page. That’s exactly what Unshame is to me.

That’s why I’m giving it a solid 5 out of 5 stars and an unreserved recommendation.